Neonates = narcissists

We are all borne narcissists.

That might sound surprising, but it is true.

 

Furthermore, are they the centre of their universe. Nothing else exists. When they cry out in hunger, they communicate: The word is hungry, why don’t we eat?

We all have been there, and the majority of us grew out of this stage into the next phase of childhood.

Emotional maturity relates to the age of the patient.

Toddlers = Egocentric

If you want to see an egocentric person, look at a toddler.  They explore the world, and this they consider “their world”. And they expect to be centre stage. Now their perception shifts, and they encounter others as real, important people: parents and siblings, and slowly the extended family. Their physical space expands with their increased mobility. And they are ready to conquer and explore it. A healthy toddler expects no harm. They have no awareness of risks or dangers. In this phase, a guiding parent might easily be constantly on edge because they know what the child doesn’t know.

This is a time, when the child hears “No” more often than any other word.
No wonder why they respond with tantrums.

Emotional maturity relates to the age of the patient.

Preschool = Friendship

As the child gets older, their world gets larger, and they become more and more aware of others and their needs and demands.

During this time, we experience the “click” with other people. We form our first friendships. These friends are those, for whom we are willing to compromise, to give in, stand back, allow space.

We have fun together, more than alone. We enjoy companionship.

Emotional maturity relates to the age of the patient.

School = Competitor

The school is the first place where we are compared. Our achievements are ranked in relation to peers. This might feel very humbling. And this is especially difficult for the small people, whose personality is not yet completely developed. Every judgement hits home hard. Children struggle to separate the verdict from their identity. When they receive the verdict of being lazy, stupid, slow, disorganised, destructive, they will aim to reject the statement externally, but at the same time, they are prone to internalise those attributes.

In the end, they might become, what has been attributed to them.

The most frequent defence strategy is to compete consciously. When they identify a specific talent, they might choose to exercise this gift to develop proficiency as a sport star. This might go to the extreme, where the specific talent becomes the sole identity-defining characteristic of the person.

Emotional maturity relates to the age of the patient.

Adolescence = Antiauthority

Growing up further, our world widens, our brain rewires day by day, and everything appears more and more shaky. Last, not least, this is true for our identity. We are longing to figure out, who we are. 

As it is quite complicated, to positively define ourselves, in the first place we become certain about who or what we are not. And we really hate when someone else attributes characteristics to us. At least, we fight to be fiercely independent. No rule remains unquestioned, no authority is accepted blindly. As statement as “Even the queen of England cannot tell me what to do” is a typical adolescent statement. 

Anything that is outwitting their control, causes deep emotional tension. Their coping mechanisms for hardships might be frail, potentially leading to anxiety and depression.

Emotional maturity relates to the age of the patient.

Adult = Cooperator

As a mature adult, we see the world quite nuanced. We know that there are things we can control and others we can’t. When we are fully grown up (and the age for that might be as late as 25 years of age) we have a stable sense of self and agency. We also understand that others with their selves and their agencies are on this planet with the same right of existence than we. So as a result, we grasp, that our freedoms are limited by the non-harming of others.

On the other side, we also understand our limitations and that we can only achieve real greatness, when we cooperate with others, who are deliberately unlike us. 

In essence, we can now move from independence to inter-dependence. It is no longer, me against you, but rather me with you combined for a common goal, that is bigger than both of us.

Emotional maturity relates to the age of the patient

In a nutshell

Emotional maturity relates to age of the patient, we move from narcissistic to egocentric to companion to independent and finally to inter-dependent.

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