Their emotions are not our emotions!

Being sick or unwell will trigger a broad variety of emotions in our patients and their parents:

• Fear
• Frustration
• Anger
• Disillusionment
• Worry
• Depression
• Hopelessness
• Demand
• Accusation

Experiencing these to some extent is normal; otherwise we would be robots, not human beings.

How sentiments impact the communication 

Unfortunately, strong feelings do interfere in the process of communication significantly. And they do this in more than one way: via sending and via receiving the information, everything is coloured in with an emotional tint.

The message sent by emotions 

Their feelings convey messages. And it is not necessarily evident, on first sight, what that message is:

• Anger, accusations or demands communicate often hidden fear
• Argumentative attitude or persistent questions show distrust, uncertainty and a longing for control
• Accusation or lashing out can cover up an internal sense of guilt.
• Passive exterior behaviour can be presented when the patient is overwhelmed by worries, depression or hopelessness

In any case, we need to be aware that their emotions are not our emotions.

Every time when the patient speaks, they share their state of mind with us. Their sentiments are noticeable either in their words, the tone, or merely in the body language of the patient or parent.

How do we know what they feel?

Our mirror neurons give us an insight in the patient’s state of mind. Our brains are wired to vibrate agreeing with an emotion that we see.

But at the same time, we are not empty slates, when it comes to the atmosphere during any conversation. We bring our own background, our story and most important our own trigger points to work and to any conversation.

Is this emotion caused or triggered 

We enter any interaction with others with our own package of assumptions, filters and mental shortcuts. This internal processing can obstruct the clear view on the patient. The patient/parent who reminds us of a friend will easily receive another response than the person, whose demeanour, looks like the school bully we knew.

It is not the patient’s or the parent’s fault, when we are mentally transported into the past.

It is, however, our choice, when we stay there!

How to deal with triggers?

Only when we know ourselves, and our default response to stress, can we become able to separate our inner emotional “music” from the “tune” played by our patient.

Only when we are willing to take responsibility of the emotions we bring into the conversation, will we become able to put those triggered responses aside and to remain open, curious listeners.

Is it you or me?

The emotions of our patients have an impact on us.

We sense them, and we will respond, either consciously or unconsciously, with emotions of our own. And at this point, we need to learn to distinguish between what we bring to the conversation and what we experience as counter projection.

Their anger might trigger defensiveness or hostility on our part. Their expression of fear might result in a wish to protect them or avoid their neediness.

Professional neutrality needed

Psychologists and psychotherapists know that they need to keep their own emotions under control.

Not to eliminate them completely, that would not be possible, but to return to a neutral baseline tune as swiftly as possible.

Only when we learn to separate between, the feelings that they bring and those that we bring to the table, will we become able to really listen neutrally to the patient’s story, without obscuring that with our own background.

In a nutshell:

Their emotions are not our emotions.

Patients have their own medical belief system

Everything new triggers either fear or curiosity