I can’t control what you hear.

I only can control what I say.

This is one of the frustrating aspects in the relation with other human beings: when we try to reach out, but are not understood.

Nobody sees …

Previously, I wrote “Nobody sees the world like you do”, one consequence is, that all you think and say, which comes out of your context, is heard and understood in another context, their context, that you have no control over.

Nobody hears …

Nobody hears exactly what you say.

Let me remind you of the concept of four ears, that hear everything we say.

I have explained this model in another post more extensively:

1. Factual descriptions 
2. Self-revelation
3. Relationship 
4. Demand

And these four ears illustrate an important aspect, that happens to everything, we send out.

Our message gets processed, before the recipient is even aware of it.

The recipient of the message, doesn’t intentionally distort the message we send, it is just part of their mindset. And the frustrating bit is that: I can’t influence your mindset.

I can’t control what you hear.

What can I do?

1. I can try, being as clear and unambiguous as possible.
2. I can intentionally say, what “ear” I address, whether I just want to share a fact, tell you something about me, or about our relationship, or about a request from you.
3. I can try to understand your mindset, your assumptions and your filters, by listening.
4. I need to “translate” my message, into pictures of your world.

This approach takes responsibility for my needs (the wish to be understood) and your needs (your claim for autonomy).

In a nutshell:

I can’t control what you hear. Without influence, on what you understand, I only can control what I say.

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Repeat three times

Our body speaks louder than our words

The pre-verbal child is not “heard” but “seen”