Respect is to establish a mutually agreed base of language.
Respect in interaction with others appears to be a self-evident requirement.
Respect is something we all long for. This wish does not depend on age.
But what does that mean?
We need to know:

• we matter
• our needs are met
• our input in the exchange is valued

How respectful is the world towards children?

“Children should be seen, not heard.” is one of the worst phrases in the English language for me.

Children were long time seen as nice embellishments, not as persons in their own right.
Here their need for an active involvement was denied.

Today, it sometimes seems that children completely “run” the show.
For example, they are in charge and their word is law, especially when they say “NO”.
Every child appears to be “King/Queen of the world”.
As a consequence, I wonder whether with this approach, their need for guidance and for healthy boundaries is denied.

In my opinion, either extreme is missing something: either lack of a voice of the child or either a lack of guidance or support for the child.
Neither way is really respectful.

What do I mean by “Respect”?

For me, “Respect” translates to “establishing a mutually agreed base of language”.
This might be necessary :

• in the literal sense:
  • by using an interpreter to facilitate the communication
  • by adjusting my wording to the level of my patient (see also the blog-post about IQ)
• or figuratively:
  • by using not only words, but also gestures to transfer information

Of course, this mutually agreed base of language works obviously in both directions.
While I adjust the signals I send, on the other side I need to hear the words and I need to read the non-verbal signs of my communication partner.

Especially as children hardly ever speak inside my office. But even when I don’t hear their voice, sometimes I see them “shouting” non-verbally.

How to create or improve respect?

We can use specific steps for respect to flourish.  These steps have the acronym “SCARF”.
David Rock formulated this concept in his work about change management.

The acronym stands for:

• Status
• Certainty
• Autonomy
• Relatedness
• Fairness

In the next posts, let’s have a closer look at each of these steps to see how we can be incorporate them in the first seven seconds!

In a nutshell:

Respect is to establish a mutually agreed base of language.

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